for Kathleen Hoffman Lambird
after Allen Ginsberg

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I pay for it with hard earned dough left over from rent and food, out of the fellowship money that's supposed to educate me not degenerate me into idiotic perversity, hungering for that elusive feeling of satisfaction of not being satisfied but wanting what I cannot have, just window-shopping plugging my ugly nose onto the transparent glass that doesn't melt when you reach in with your hands so you keep it to yourself,

it belongs to those kids with the shorty short skirts that make them look like teenage whores roaming the streets of south east central looking for cash flying out of a well-stuffed wallet, popping meat out of the crevices of their facade of inner conscience, teasing you with a dance of rhythm like lap dances given by a professional but don't you fucking come near me much less touch,

it likes to play with bigger guys unless you're old and decrepit or a few years my senior, then you don't deserve to handle my jewelry spinkly spank with the luster of JUICY, just watch from the sideline with magnifying binoculars how I dance around the halfback before taking down his pants,

it takes place when you're studying, shitting in your book, flirting with Caluculus, fucking John Rawl's Theory of Justice, banging the endoplasmic reticulum,

it eats you alive,

it can not be downloaded unless you have the license or the password or the yellow pages or the imagination, real good imagination combined with tactile ability and eye-hand coordination and rapid saccades covering an immense ground from 2D to 3D to holography to facebook, like whatever I can get or in a relationship or I'm married to my best friend from high school but we're not gay or whatever I'm not telling you shit,

it never happens the way I tell my friends as if I didn't care a damn just swinging on a star going my way to the high way, never like a cinderella fairy tale but some ugly duckling that never gets to be a swan unless you're born like a swan but you gotta be white cuz you're not a swan otherwise just a figment of your desire and no one else to notice much less care, all I can say is there's no such thing as a black swan or yellow swan, the pink ones are actually white, I only like white people because cum is white,

it should be happening soon now I tell my mom, any time within the next one plus or minus two years, in between I gotta find some stuff to do so I don't hang out to dry, so you think I teach those ignorant bombastic know-nothing wanna-be-liberal-but-can't-leave-their-couch- conservative I-fuck-who-my-mom-tells-me-to-fuck I'm-going-to-this- fantastic-party-looking-at-me-I'm-getting-hooked-up I-can-drink-like-a- whale-shoot-like-an-addict little anal cocksuckers for fun?, you think they pay me to figure out who's got a boy back home and a thousand acres and a muel?,

it is supposed to be good when it fits tightly like a book cover, the more piercings the tighter the fit, the more holes the stronger the grip, the more clothing the closer to what you see on television, just don't get electrocuted electroporated electrified electrotonicicized electrolysed electromobilized unless you've got a toy,

it happens once a year with someone you don't know,

it rarely happens in the month of May,

it takes place next door as we speak with one man and three different women back to back to back, I can't hear shit drowned by the silence of my own incurable misconfiguration miscalculation misconfusion howling the words of my predecessors ancestors who call me the Virgin of Guadalupe Hidalgo, the sinking of my detestable mind into ignorance and bliss like being in jail eating the entrails of the prison guard who rapes you, not you but the collective you,

it puts you down below the vaults of stressing despair, calls you stupid egoist maniacal piece-of-Asian-shit nothing-I-would-respect power- mongering-anal-mother-fucker a-disgrace-to-your-ancestors fuck-you- cuz-you're-a-fucking-Virgin-who-won't-say-no-I'm-fed-up it's-ok-for-me- to-be-a-racist-because-I'm-a-subject-of-mass-murder passivity-and- aggressiveness I-go-by-logic-because-I'm-analytical-but-you're-a- confused-scientist I-speak-perfect-English-and-I-don't-understand-you- when-you-say-dayn-the-toilet-instead-of-down-the-toilet I-have- nothing-to-say-about-my-political-views-but-really-I-hate-you-mother- fucking-liberals-who-take-away-my-hard-earned-winnings-on-game- shows I-rape-you-behind-your-back my-social-skills-are-superior- because-I-can-hit-it-off-with-high-schoolers-half-my-age I-believe-in- multinational-corporations-that-suck-the-life-juice-out-of-you-addicted- twats-for-profit you-all-do-all-the-work-so-I-can-inflate-my-own-ego I- make-fun-of-your-clothes-and-accent-like-when-it-was-in-high-school, woo I'm so great you sucka,

it touches off a cycle of cindercones birth and rebirth life and lust coming and going talking and smoking in and out, a Mike Matusow blow-up that lasts a day and a half, non-Poisson,

it sickens me,

it gets parlayed into poetry, like this shit I'm writing.